All I Want Is A Normal Life

I saw an Eastern medicine doctor last Monday to check out my prolonged illness and general lethargy. It’s been pretty disheartening, as you can imagine, to wake up every morning as if I’m wearing rocks instead of springs. I never want to go jogging or hiking anymore and I have to force myself to do so just so I don’t lose the ability to do it (you know, from muscle disintegration). But it’s been far from the joy that I used to feel when I went hiking. So, aside from my crazy barking cough that keeps me up some nights, I wanted to address the lethargy.

Jairan had me fill out a questionnaire and give a lot of information about myself, and then took my pulse a bunch of different ways, ultimately determining that I have a weak spleen. And then she let me check out an acupuncture needle, since I have an intense phobia of needles (which I’m now actively working to get over), and then I said I’d be ok checking it out just for one second. So she put it in, it didn’t really hurt, and then I freaked out and couldn’t deal. So she switched to acupressure, which is the same, but without needles. And then she gave me about a million tiny packets of herbs to take daily, warning me that they taste awful and that I should just take them in a shot glass very fast.

So all last week, I did these herbs and took the Wellness Formula pills she recommended, and, dog gone it, I feel better. Not totally awesome, but better.

So today, I’m going for a hike with Diva for a couple hours. Wish me luck!

(sorry, I couldn’t resist the gratuitous Beatles reference)

So, here’s how this generally works: I write out some really general 5-year plans, then I struggle through some really far away 3-year plans based on the achievement of the far away 5-year plans, then I write some 1-year plans (again, based on the 5 and 3 year), and then I write some 6-month plans, and finally some 3-month plans, and then I review it all and go, “ok, what did I forget in my Memento-style approach to goal setting?” Usually, it’s quite a lot. In 5 years (2014, to those who want to be surprised by a year that looks very far away, but is actually right around the corner), I am not thinking about how much I’ll owe in taxes, whether I still have this 20 lbs to lose, visiting G’ma before she dies, and stuff like that. I’m thinking in huge generalizations like “have friends,” or “have a good relationship with my family.” But if I worked it from the 3-month out, I wouldn’t ever get to the bigger goals like “Hike the Pacific Crest Trail,” since that requires a lot of foresight that I typically don’t have when thinking of immediate needs…

Which brings me to why I think goals are important. When I’m unhappy with my life, goals give me a hope for the future. Instead of waking up every day and slogging through an endless march of shitty monotony, I know that I’m marching through this shitty monotony to the FABULOUS FUCKING CASTLE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MARSH! OOH a castle! But if I didn’t have that castle, I’d just look at the grime on my shoes and mutter about how no one knows the trouble I’ve seen. And also, I usually start wondering why I’m in this monotony and start taking actions –often quite drastic actions– to break the monotony, which sometimes isn’t the best from a long-term perspective. Likewise, when I’m happy with my life, it’s easy to coast through the years without noticing that time is passing, waking up at some later time wondering why I didn’t hike the Pacific Crest Trail [before I lost both my legs in the Revolution/before I got married and had children/while I was still insane enough to try it]. Don’t get me wrong… everything is great with loving the time you’ve got and being present in the moment and just being happy (in fact, Buddhists would say that this is the absolute in enlightenment, and that wanting all these goals and stuff is the path to unhappiness), but I think I’ll be happier knowing that I accomplished many things and had many experiences at the end of it all. I mean, I had to decide far in advance that I wanted to bike the Lifecycle, otherwise I never would have started training in time. And some day, I will want to accomplish things far greater than the Lifecycle that will require training of years, not just months.

So, that’s goals. Or resolutions. Or whatever.

Last year, I totally phoned it in. Those goals down there aren’t goals. Most of them weren’t even things that I cared very deeply about. Not that I’ll have more attachment to my goals that I’m working on now, but you’ll see the behemoth task of goals when I finally finish them up.

Right now, I’ve done up a 5 year plan and a 1 year plan, but I was distracted and people were talking to me and doing yoga and stuff like that, so I missed some stuff. My dad and I are getting together in a few days for more hours of goal-setting. It’s always great to do the goal-setting with my dad, since he’s so ambitious and taught me how to do them in the first place. Also, he’s wildly proud of me and it’s kind of nice to have someone cheering and who I can cheer for.

And as you’ve probably inferred from the manifesto above, you should really work on your goals, too. I’ve got some handy tips about categories and what type of things to include.

Anyways, off to do yoga!!

On this eve of the first of the new year, I get to opportunistically reflect on the things I have, the things I want, and my purpose in life. I’ve always wanted to be “normal” and have a “normal life” (though most people I know would laugh if they heard me saying that, since my life bears little resemblance to the boring slog that most people think of when they hear “normal” — something I think of more as “quiet desperation”).

Ever since I was a little kid, I didn’t fit in. I looked like a boy until I was 9 and had to get into the habit of asking for the “ladies’ room” because service staff always directed me to the men’s room. I was too tall. I had no friends. Kids made fun of me. I wouldn’t wear a “training” bra and ended up needing a real bra earlier than anyone else I knew. Boys would dare each other to ask me out and then run away laughing. I got picked last in any athletic event I was forced to participate in. “Normal” seemed like this unattainable golden state that everyone else existed in… so when I got to pick my name, I decided that, by hook or by crook, I was going to be normal.

And that’s how I got to be “Normal.” And it really fits me, I think, since I have a regular job that I go to every day at roughly the same time. I have fairly un-exceptional thoughts on a day-to-day basis. I’m not very fashionable, but I’m also not notably unfashionable. I have hobbies like normal people: hiking, camping, hanging out with friends, blogging, photography. Yes, some of my hobbies are un-normal: collecting taxidermy, listening to Cracker all the time, modeling for unconventional photos (right), camping in the desert and applying spark to combustibles.

One thing I think I want to look into for the new year is what really *is* “normal life.” I want it… but do I? And what is it to other people? So I’ve set up a Google alert and will set out to figure out what a normal life is. Wish me luck.

Weight loss has become such a big part of my thoughts recently that I thought I might as well blog about it. I’ve been trying to minimize it, but all this point tracking takes a lot of attention and it’s really a big thing that I’m thinking about when I’m not thinking about work.

Twigsville, Gigsville’s annual camping trip, is coming up in a few days. Every year, it’s the same thing… I bring all this healthy food and then people make plates of enchiladas and chili and all manner of other things, and the healthy food ends up chauffeured all the way up to Cambria and all the way home, only to rot in the refrigerator from being warm in the car for too long.

Not to mention the drinking. As with any Gigsville trip, Twigsville is a lot like a group drinking binge for all people inclined to binge drink. For the past three years, I’ve brought a keg of ale that needs finishing before the end of the four days… and we keep it secret for the first two because otherwise, there would be no beer at the end of the event.

But this year, I’ve got to focus on other things besides eating huge quantities of community-cooked food and drinking oceans of beer. So how does one do it?

The Weight Watchers site offered the following recipe, which seems good (albeit modifiable for the better):
Mushroom Cap Pizzas
Makes 18 servings, 4 mushroom caps per serving
Total yield: 72 mini pizzas
POINTS® value | 0 per serving
Ingredients

* 72 cremini (baby bella) mushroom caps, wiped clean (about six 8 oz packages)
* 5 sprays olive oil cooking spray
* 1 cup prepared pizza sauce
* 1/2 cup fat-free ricotta cheese
* 4 Tbsp grated Parmesan cheese
* 24 basil leaves, cut into ribbons for garnish
* Red pepper flakes, for garnish
* Garlic salt for garnish

Instructions

* Preheat broiler to high.

Coat a shallow baking pan or rimmed cookie sheet with cooking spray. Place mushroom caps, round-side down, in a single layer, in prepared pan; coat with cooking spray and broil for about 1 1/2 minutes. Flip mushrooms; coat with cooking spray and broil for another 1 1/2 minutes.

Turn mushrooms round-side down and fill each one with 1 teaspoon of pizza sauce and 1/2 teaspoon of ricotta cheese. Sprinkle mushrooms with Parmesan cheese; broil for another 1 1/2 minutes. Immediately remove mushrooms from pan and garnish as desired. Yields 4 mushroom caps per serving.

It’s coming to that time again… when I take care of the arduous task of working on my New Year’s Resolutions.

Last year’s were as follows:

1. Live in a place where Diva can run free – done
2. Find a hike in the SoCal area with miner’s cabins -OR- go up to Jorstead’s cabin
3. Read Jorstead’s book – no longer available
4. Go camping once per month – started well, but stopped
5. Write in Journal several times per week – started late, but in progress
6. Be in awesome shape for 4 consecutive month
7. Prioritize backpacking!
8. Do yoga for a few months – have started recently
9. Prepare to hike the Pacific Crest Trail in 2010
10. Take the Wilderness Travel Course – tried, but broke my arm. have re-enrolled
11. Be mayor of Gigsville – done
12. Go kayaking
13. Don’t get pneumonia – done!!
14. Don’t get tuberculosis – done

So, I did moderately ok, but still had epic fail on many levels of this. I’ll post my new resolutions here.

So, turns out what’s wrong with my car is nothing more than an alternator! (ok, something more than an alternator: a battery, too) $500 later (for $300 in parts), I’ve got a car that works once more! Wahoo! And it’s kind of sad that I blew all my growing “undefined trip in May” money on an alternator, but at least I’ve got a way to and from work.

And that’ll learn me to take better care of my alternator… but how? How does one preserve an alternator?

Next up on the auto-preservation agenda:
1. change the oil
2. flush the coolant
3. flush the brake fluid
4. flush the power steering fluid
5. figure out how to fix that weird smell in my air conditioner system that magically arrived after this past year at Burning Man

So, you gained a little bit this week.

Is this what you expected? If so, today’s a great day to make a fresh start. If you’re stumped, talk with your Leader to assess your week and get advice on how you can make some changes to get back on track for next week.

Good luck in the coming week.

I went up a half a pound on the day of the weigh-in. I know why this is and I’m not too discouraged. First, PMS. Second, I’m retaining water (because of PMS, salt intake the day before, incredible alcohol consumption the previous day, and a change in exercise). And Third, I used all my weekly allowance points, which I just found out are optional not expected. On the plus side, I exercised a hell of a lot and expect these sore muscles to turn into bigger, more efficient muscles.

For the first few days, it seemed like the number of points I got just wasn’t going to be enough. I like to eat toast. The points system doesn’t really allow for a lot of toast. What it does allow for is a lot of vegetables. And about vegetables, I’m kind of meh. So there’s that. But I’m still committed.

I think making use of the WW community online will be helpful, or at least I hope so. Seems like a lot of people on there aren’t all that friendly, even though I found a blogger who seems pretty neat: “Obligatory Dorito“. She lives in Austin and seems to have similar taste as I do (mostly vegetarian, humus and beer) and also has an interest in posting recipes and shopping lists on her blog. Perhaps we can share experiences and grocery lists. *grin*

Anyways, I’m going to bed early tonight since I’m still trying to get well. Emily said maybe it’s my body getting rid of the toxins, but for two freakin’ months?!? Holy macaroni! I think it’s about time I see a Chinese Doctor. Barak recommended one, so I’ll be scheduling some time with her after the new year.

I’ve decided to start eating fish again. The bottom line is that I’m just too sick most of the time. I’m paying attention to my protein and fiber. I’m getting tons of good foods. But I’m just sick all the time, and I can’t take it anymore. My throat still constantly burns and is red and inflamed. I’ve tried every topical thing I can try, and the most I can hope for is a little temporary relief through topical analgesics. Gargling, sleeping, drinking tea… all of this is just irritating me and doesn’t seem to be helping my throat at all. I mean yes, I do really need to sleep at least 8 hours per night regardless of my wellness, my diet, and everything. I can’t compromise on that anymore. But even sleeping more than 8 hours per night, I’m still really sick.

We need a lifestyle change of some sort.

That’s a fun way to look at it, isn’t it? My car won’t start, as I mentioned the other day, and I haven’t taken it in to the repair place yet because it was holiday and I was so dreadfully hung over yesterday. Today, though, I still have to get around and do stuff. I looked up the bus to the Weight Watchers meeting that I’m going to at 8:45, which requires a bit of a trek to get to and from, so I’ll be riding my superfuckingawesome bike. In fact, though, now that I look at the route on the google maps, it looks like it’s only 4.4 miles away, which is completely bikeable. But regardless, I do want to try getting there on the bus, since if I have the opportunity to ride the bus when I’m not all frazzled and late for work, then I probably will be able to ride the bus when I am all frazzled and late for work.

Anyways, I have to go get ready to have my bus adventure! Wish me luck!!

So, my car broke today. It was fine, working totally fine, and then when Edie Babe and I were heading out to the Theory Labs “Oh Come, All Ye A-Holes” party, my car would not start. Just click-click-click and nothing. All the lights were getting power and everything, just no starter turn-over. So we were basically stranded… and Isa, bless her heart, offered to have someone come fetch us and drive me back tomorrow, but I still feel kind of sick and I didn’t really want to spend much time at the party, so we ended up just deciding to finish the cheap blush wine that Edie bought and watching The Party with Peter Sellers (classic 60s movie). And honestly, I’m a little relieved that I didn’t have to go to the party… am I really becoming a shut-in? I guess so. I really was looking forward to seeing certain folks like Buck and Noosha, and maybe Vanessa if she came, and definitely MattShaw, whom I haven’t seen since –geeze, I dunno, maybe August?– a long time ago. But I don’t know that I was really in the mood to be at a huge crazy party bonanza.

I hardly go to parties anymore or even do much of anything. If David and I break up, I’m going to be seriously fucked for friends. He and I basically just spend all our leisure time together, which I guess is what most people experience as a committed relationship, but I’ve always been more independent… for exactly the reason that I kind of freak out if I don’t have a fairly wide circle of life outside of my boyfriend. I just don’t like being dependent on someone to complete my social life. It seems a little sick to me that someone would just spin off with someone into this silly couplelandia. But I guess that’s kind of where David and I are.

And I think I figured out what’s wrong with my car: it’s probably just a fuse for the starter. The weather’s a bit crazy and this kind of thing plays a bit of a number on fuses. I’ve got spares, so I’m not too worried. If it’s not that, then it may be the starter motor or the connection to the starter… but I’m starting with a fuse.