All I Want Is A Normal Life

(sorry, I couldn’t resist the gratuitous Beatles reference)

So, here’s how this generally works: I write out some really general 5-year plans, then I struggle through some really far away 3-year plans based on the achievement of the far away 5-year plans, then I write some 1-year plans (again, based on the 5 and 3 year), and then I write some 6-month plans, and finally some 3-month plans, and then I review it all and go, “ok, what did I forget in my Memento-style approach to goal setting?” Usually, it’s quite a lot. In 5 years (2014, to those who want to be surprised by a year that looks very far away, but is actually right around the corner), I am not thinking about how much I’ll owe in taxes, whether I still have this 20 lbs to lose, visiting G’ma before she dies, and stuff like that. I’m thinking in huge generalizations like “have friends,” or “have a good relationship with my family.” But if I worked it from the 3-month out, I wouldn’t ever get to the bigger goals like “Hike the Pacific Crest Trail,” since that requires a lot of foresight that I typically don’t have when thinking of immediate needs…

Which brings me to why I think goals are important. When I’m unhappy with my life, goals give me a hope for the future. Instead of waking up every day and slogging through an endless march of shitty monotony, I know that I’m marching through this shitty monotony to the FABULOUS FUCKING CASTLE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MARSH! OOH a castle! But if I didn’t have that castle, I’d just look at the grime on my shoes and mutter about how no one knows the trouble I’ve seen. And also, I usually start wondering why I’m in this monotony and start taking actions –often quite drastic actions– to break the monotony, which sometimes isn’t the best from a long-term perspective. Likewise, when I’m happy with my life, it’s easy to coast through the years without noticing that time is passing, waking up at some later time wondering why I didn’t hike the Pacific Crest Trail [before I lost both my legs in the Revolution/before I got married and had children/while I was still insane enough to try it]. Don’t get me wrong… everything is great with loving the time you’ve got and being present in the moment and just being happy (in fact, Buddhists would say that this is the absolute in enlightenment, and that wanting all these goals and stuff is the path to unhappiness), but I think I’ll be happier knowing that I accomplished many things and had many experiences at the end of it all. I mean, I had to decide far in advance that I wanted to bike the Lifecycle, otherwise I never would have started training in time. And some day, I will want to accomplish things far greater than the Lifecycle that will require training of years, not just months.

So, that’s goals. Or resolutions. Or whatever.

Last year, I totally phoned it in. Those goals down there aren’t goals. Most of them weren’t even things that I cared very deeply about. Not that I’ll have more attachment to my goals that I’m working on now, but you’ll see the behemoth task of goals when I finally finish them up.

Right now, I’ve done up a 5 year plan and a 1 year plan, but I was distracted and people were talking to me and doing yoga and stuff like that, so I missed some stuff. My dad and I are getting together in a few days for more hours of goal-setting. It’s always great to do the goal-setting with my dad, since he’s so ambitious and taught me how to do them in the first place. Also, he’s wildly proud of me and it’s kind of nice to have someone cheering and who I can cheer for.

And as you’ve probably inferred from the manifesto above, you should really work on your goals, too. I’ve got some handy tips about categories and what type of things to include.

Anyways, off to do yoga!!

It’s coming to that time again… when I take care of the arduous task of working on my New Year’s Resolutions.

Last year’s were as follows:

1. Live in a place where Diva can run free – done
2. Find a hike in the SoCal area with miner’s cabins -OR- go up to Jorstead’s cabin
3. Read Jorstead’s book – no longer available
4. Go camping once per month – started well, but stopped
5. Write in Journal several times per week – started late, but in progress
6. Be in awesome shape for 4 consecutive month
7. Prioritize backpacking!
8. Do yoga for a few months – have started recently
9. Prepare to hike the Pacific Crest Trail in 2010
10. Take the Wilderness Travel Course – tried, but broke my arm. have re-enrolled
11. Be mayor of Gigsville – done
12. Go kayaking
13. Don’t get pneumonia – done!!
14. Don’t get tuberculosis – done

So, I did moderately ok, but still had epic fail on many levels of this. I’ll post my new resolutions here.

So, my car broke today. It was fine, working totally fine, and then when Edie Babe and I were heading out to the Theory Labs “Oh Come, All Ye A-Holes” party, my car would not start. Just click-click-click and nothing. All the lights were getting power and everything, just no starter turn-over. So we were basically stranded… and Isa, bless her heart, offered to have someone come fetch us and drive me back tomorrow, but I still feel kind of sick and I didn’t really want to spend much time at the party, so we ended up just deciding to finish the cheap blush wine that Edie bought and watching The Party with Peter Sellers (classic 60s movie). And honestly, I’m a little relieved that I didn’t have to go to the party… am I really becoming a shut-in? I guess so. I really was looking forward to seeing certain folks like Buck and Noosha, and maybe Vanessa if she came, and definitely MattShaw, whom I haven’t seen since –geeze, I dunno, maybe August?– a long time ago. But I don’t know that I was really in the mood to be at a huge crazy party bonanza.

I hardly go to parties anymore or even do much of anything. If David and I break up, I’m going to be seriously fucked for friends. He and I basically just spend all our leisure time together, which I guess is what most people experience as a committed relationship, but I’ve always been more independent… for exactly the reason that I kind of freak out if I don’t have a fairly wide circle of life outside of my boyfriend. I just don’t like being dependent on someone to complete my social life. It seems a little sick to me that someone would just spin off with someone into this silly couplelandia. But I guess that’s kind of where David and I are.

And I think I figured out what’s wrong with my car: it’s probably just a fuse for the starter. The weather’s a bit crazy and this kind of thing plays a bit of a number on fuses. I’ve got spares, so I’m not too worried. If it’s not that, then it may be the starter motor or the connection to the starter… but I’m starting with a fuse.

Back when I originally started this blog, I didn’t try to make this interesting to anyone. I kind of miss those days, so I’m going to harken back to an earlier blog entry when I talked about my friend’s then (and now, again) ex-girlfriend and her strange behavior towards me. Tonight, when I was at The Brewery, I was talking with Isa and kind of doing a complicated Edie transfer dance (Isa picked her up from the cruise, I came and got her from The Brewery), Kasey came in and gave me the daggers in her eyes again.

Oh, but I should back up… Kasey and JetFuel got back together several months ago, since she said she’d changed and was going to therapy to figure out what was wrong with her. Last time I saw them, it was at Art Walk and Jet and I were sitting in the radio room of Theory talking about my awesome boyfriend totally clothed, more than three feet away from each other, and she walked in and freaked out. She flew into a jealous huff which I guess I can kind of understand except that IT’S FUCKING CRAZY. Jet and I were doing NOTHING like flirting or anything. He was talking about his girlfriend, Kasey, and I was talking about my boyfriend, David, and we were just kind of doing the things that friends do after not seeing each other in a while because their friendship is divided by a jealous girlfriend… catching up, commiserating, laughing, and giving advice. It was nice to feel like we were friends again after months of not really talking.

And maybe I should back up a little bit further. When Jet and Kasey got back together and I was pretty much not welcome up on The Hill (that’s the unofficial name for Lake Hughes) –with or without David–, I was really hurt that Jet didn’t try to patch things up between me and Kasey. I thought maybe he would have defended our friendship a little more. I understand how it would happen, since he got such negative reinforcement every time my name even came up, but this is someone I’ve backed up in a lot of ways that I won’t bother going into right now. I’ve defended him against a lot of dumb accusations and even stood up for him when he and my friend (another friend) were having a messy break-up. I thought maybe he would have tried to work out some sort of bargain, like only if David was up there and only for a few hours and only if we stayed at Kelli’s house or in the trailer, but not in Jet’s house. But it seemed like he just bent under her tantrum.

So when we had some time together and I felt like we were really talking as friends again, finally, after a long time, she came in and chewed him out about it. I know he caught shit about that particular occasion for at least a week, and that day was completely ruined because she spent the next half hour chewing him out about it for reasons that I’m totally mystified by. It’s possible that they had some sort of deal that he wasn’t supposed to talk with me alone or something, but I don’t know. And it’s not like I have a lot of friends who I can really talk with (hence the blog), so losing Jet was pretty sucky.

Well, I guess recently they broke up again (though I don’t know how recently, since, as I mentioned above, Jet and I haven’t really been in touch) and so I’m apparently back on the really super fucking evil list (and just before Christmas! Darn!). It’s just so painful, because she lives there at The Brewery, where a lot of my friends live… so I’ve been avoiding there to not run into her. And then she moved part time up with Jet, so I couldn’t really go up to visit him…

… and I guess I should qualify that I still do have superfuckingamazing friends, but friends are not interchangeable. I still miss Jet.

I’ve decided that “tool,” “douchebag,” “douche-nozzle,” “chode,” etc. are all too overused. They’ve gone the way of “asshole” and “dickweed” or “buttsmear.” No one uses that kind of language anymore. It’s like Old English cologne and/or language.

So I’ve undertaken the creation of a new synonym for the above expressions of disdain: flim.

I’ve entered it in UrbanDictionary.com and will post the link as soon as the editors approve it for publication. All I ask is that you go to Urban Dictionary and give my definition of “flim” a thumbs up… and then tell everyone you know to do the same.

My definition is as follows:
Flim (n.) An uncool or unsavory person. Can apply to anyone the speaker does not like. Synonyms are “douchebag,” “tool,” “chode,” “dickwad,” etc.
Example: I went to the bowling alley, but it was filled with hipster flims.

Thanks in advance for your participation!

I stumbled across this in a n’er checked email account and my friend had sent me this:

As we witness the changing of the guard, the transition from the old into
the new, we need to be very mindful of where we are focusing our attention.
What we are seeing in the global economy and the financial institutions is
very disturbing to many people and that is why, now more than ever before,
we need to be aware and conscious of what is taking place, hold our centre
and remain calm, and be in the power of our authentic selves.

This time of the crumbling of the old fear-based structures of the misuse of
power, control and greed has been foreseen for some time and is necessary
for a higher way of integral and ethical living to transpire. As we each
make a stand for this way of “being” in the new world, we create the very
foundation for co-existing in a place of peace and abundance for all people.
In other words, what is not in alignment with the energies of a fifth
dimensional reality will not be able to sustain itself within that frequency
of light.

Over the last few years we have seen many instances on a smaller scale of
the truth about corporations and some high profile individuals coming to the
surface where they have not acted in the best interest of others, but rather
in a way that has betrayed their trust and good faith. Now, as more people
embrace the higher qualities of ethics, integrity, and acceptance, and take
a united stand that expresses a deep desire for an outcome that benefits all
concerned, then even more of the truth that has been hidden will continue to
be exposed.

Everything that has been founded on intentions that have not been integral
or ethical is now coming to the surface and will dissolve in the wake of a
new consciousness that does not tolerate it any longer. This is a natural
progression of the evolution of human consciousness and is to be accepted
without judgment as we hold a vision of a new reality. Our collective
purpose is to hold our centre no matter what we see in the outer world, be
in our power as co creators and focus on a world abundant and free, and know
in the truth of our hearts that a miraculous transformation is taking place.

Many people’s belief systems are being challenged right now and what they
thought to be true is now on shaky ground in the light of the transition
taking place. What they thought was a sense of security is being stripped
away and what they thought was a way of life is being re-orchestrated,
creating an opportunity for everyone to align to a grander vision. What
works stays and what doesn’t must fall away. The key now is “what are we
each choosing in every now moment?”

At this time, it maybe wise to reevaluate how we see the world and let go of
our beliefs as all we believe has been chosen from the past, which
represents the old way. This will then free us to be open to a realm of new
and infinite possibilities that are currently beyond our comprehension. As
we practice discernment and the art of detaching from the old way it creates
a space within us to then hold a vision of the new without being tainted by
the old.

During these challenging times we are given the opportunity to recognize and
release much of our old programming which was born from fear. It is
important for us to be open to this and embrace the gift within each
challenge as it comes up. If it does not fit with where we want to go we
need only to let it go so we no longer manifest lack or limitation in our
lives. This is why all that we are witnessing right now around the world is
encouraging us to make new choices in our own lives.

We know that each of us is a unique being as there are no two beings that
have the same experience in the entire universe. We each have our own
experience reflected back to us from our state of consciousness. Now,
imagine that we are a vessel for Source energy to express and experience
through us using the gift of free will. This unlimited and infinite resource
of unconditional love, which is neutral in its pure state, flows through us
and is expressed from that spark that is also within us. As this universal
life force energy flows through us it is programmed by the totality of our
unique consciousness and responds exactly to what we feed it and then plays
itself out on the screen of our lives.

Source energy does not judge, question or interfere with our free will and
from that place of neutrality, lovingly co creates with us what we choose in
every moment. When we really get this we are in the powerful position to see
with our own eyes what we are in fact creating for ourselves, recognize what
we don’t want any longer, make new choices and the screen of life will
change the picture in response to the changes we make.

What we are seeing in the newspapers and on our televisions is the
manifestation of the collective consciousness and the bubbling to the
surface of the choices we have made that were not for the highest good of
all which is being exposed for each of us to recognize in our own lives. We
already know where we have not behaved in the best interest of others and
have acted out of fear. We have witnessed the impact it has had on others’
lives. Now through letting go of judgment and practicing the act of
forgiveness of ourselves and all others on this planet, the collective
consciousness will align to a more loving vibration which will usher in the
new world. If we make peace with the past in all areas of our own lives then
we resonate to a peaceful existence and this will be the reality we begin to
experience.

The path of the master is to be able to remain in their centre and see the
perfection in all things, even when there can be chaos all around. The
awakened one knows that what already exists is a manifestation from the
past, and the future will be manifested from the now. There lies the
challenge and the gift of each present moment.

May you make each one more beautiful than the next!

Peace,

(:-DeeZe

Good job, Deeze. Thanks for this.