Fucking Insomnia

I woke up this morning an hour before my alarm was going to go off, and, for some reason, I woke up completely furious. The Santa Anas are blowing like crazy, a neighborhood dog is barking like it’s being attacked by coyotes (fucking neighbors that leave their dogs out at night… burns me up), my bank account had been overdrawn by some “accidental” transactions from a business that I will not name because they were so good about reversing the charges immediately (in fact, a lot of weird charges are coming up on my card recently), work is just overwhelming — there’s just not enough time –, the board is pissed off because their favorite show isn’t on the air all the time (and honestly, it’s my favorite show on the station, but still… that’s the way things have to be sometimes), and my grandma is dying, then not dying, dying, then not dying. My mom called yesterday and said that G’ma has snapped out of whatever near-coma she was in and now is sitting up and bright-eyed, which I’m of course happy about, but my heart is on some sort of crazy roller coaster all the time.

And my birthday is in two days. I’ll be 34, and it doesn’t really bother me that I’m getting older. I’m not one of those people who lies about her age and stuff. But still, it’s always a huge big deal and I don’t know about if I’m really up for a huge big deal.

Actually, I think I’m depressed, but I’m staying functional because I’m on the medication. Which is great, but I can’t make any life changes to make myself happier if I can’t identify the specific points that I’m dealing with that make me unhappy. And there’s no fucking way that I’m going off any medications anytime around my grandma being so sick. I have to keep my job, since it’s one of the bright points in my life.

I think I’m lonely. Maybe that will change as I engage in the Wilderness Travel Course in a couple weeks.

I got a huge new fantastic project at work, too, which is fan-freakin’-tastic for my career and stuff, but I need to learn to manage stress better if I’m going to move along in my career. If I continue on this course, I’m definitely going to be overwhelmed. My work offers seminars on these sort of things… I guess I’ll look into if they have any seminars on organization, delegation, and stress management. I thought exercise was supposed to help with the stress, but it seems like even a lot of exercise doesn’t ultimately equal the amount of stress I’m coping with.

Anyways, off to yoga, then to run with Diva. I have an appointment with my old therapist tonight.